I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
