omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
