Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
