Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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