she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
