I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
