Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
