I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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