I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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