my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
