so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
