can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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