Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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