Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
