I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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