He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Couch. On fire.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
