I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
