I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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