my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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