Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
