i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
