It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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