i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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