My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
