just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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