He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
