I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
