went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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