The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
