Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
