wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
