I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
