my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
