I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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