i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
