I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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