Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
