well I can't set my house on fire every night
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
