I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
