Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
