Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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