I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
