Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
