in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
