Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
