Fine. I'll sleep in my office
okay pat passed out under dana's car
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
