So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
