I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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