Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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