It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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