Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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